Nothing Rhymes with Marko Perovic (The Locker Room 6/30)

Nothing Rhymes with Marko Perovic (An article by Jim Shorts)

The Locker Room with Jim Shorts

Well as most of you have probably heard Marko Perovic and Ilija Stolica will not be returning to the Revs. Although the Revolution today sent out a very broad press release, we at Football Fall River uncovered the reasons behind the reason to dump arguably the Rev’s best player and that bald white guy who isn’t Matt Reis.

Fortgate 2011. There has recently been a falling out between the Rev’s front office and fans. Because of this it has caused millions of Revolution fans as well as other supporters throughout the USA to show their hate for the Rev’s front office and support the fort. Now from inside information we at F2R heard that Marky Marko heard about this and very much disapproved that the organization was trying to silence their fans. This next part is a little blurry but we understand that Marko set up a meeting with Robert Kraft (owner of the Revolution) to tell him that he could not sit by as the team was being destroyed. It was at this point that Robert Kraft asked him who he was and what the Revolution were. One source tells us that Perovic took a swing at Robert Kraft forcing Kraft to call the deportation department. Another source tells us that when Robert Kraft found out about a soccer team being run out of his Gillette stadium he immediately started firing those who did not make the league minimum. Whatever the real story is we can tell you that it 100 percent had to do with Fortgate.

-Turf. We spoke directly to those affiliated with Marko who told us that he could not run on turf anymore. For those of us who have ever torn their ACL or any other muscle in their leg. You know that turf is the devil. Marko knows that he still has his best years ahead and with football players retiring in their early or mid thirties Marko cannot risk cutting his career short. I personally called Mr. Kraft to ask him if he would consider the possibility installing real grass. At which point he responded with “unless Tom Brady breaks his knees I do not see that happening. Even if he does I will just pay for new knees.”

-Nothing rhymes with Marko Perovic. When Marko came to the Rev’s he was promised he would be a fan favorite and that there would be songs about him. What the FO failed to realize is that nothing rhymed with Marko Perovic. For the first season Marko was ok with the fact that that there were no songs about him because hardly any other player had a song. Then came the 2011 season… enter Psycho Rajko, Benny Blue Eyes, Team America (Ryan Cochrane and A.J. Soares), and Ryan He’s My Guy. Marko just couldn’t take it anymore. There were too many cool nick names out there and he wasnt apart of it. Sure he had the You got Serb’d but what good did that do when Ilija got loaned out? Sometimes the Fort chanted MARKO…PEROVIC but even he knew that was all he would ever get. And now no more Marko.

-Benny Feilhaber. Lets face it Benny is just too attractive which made Marko (last seasons sexiest Rev’s player) upset. Marko couldnt deal with being number 2 and now he is gone along with his personal igor Ilija Stolica.

-Done with Blue Jeans. What is more European than designer jeans? the answer is a pretty tough one to answer. Here at F2R we have found out that one of the main reasons Marko came over to the USA from war torn Serbia was because of the availability of designer jeans. Since 2010 Marko has purchased a total of 548 pairs of Jeans ranging from True Religion to Buffalo. One True Religion worker who is also a Revolution fan told us that Marko would buy the jeans on sale and ship them back to his home country where they are also used as a form of currency. See picture of Marko with designer jeans below.

Marko Perovic with Designer jeans at a Rev's game in 2010

SILVER LINING

Of course there is always a bright side to losing Marko and Ilija. With the money saved the Rev’s can now buy 34 more Zak Boggs, 2 more Ousmane Dabo’s, or 1 more Benny Feilhaber. Who knows maybe this is the turning point for the Revolution organization… maybe they will finally get their act together.

One thing is for certain the Rev’s will miss the creativity and awareness of Marko Perovic. Ilija Stolica not so much but I guess he was pretty cool sometimes.

Of course we will follow up with any new details as well as possible transfers to the Revolution.

-For the Locker room I’m Jim Shorts

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Ferreiras Follies 6/29 (HARD TIMES AT GILLETTE)

An Examination of the Culling of the Soccer Herd at Gillette Stadium on June 18th 2011:

Today at Football Fall River we examine the recent orders from Generalissimo Kraft, which called for the culling of the soccer herds located at Gillette Stadium in the region known as “The Fort.”  Kraft’s orders were successfully carried out on June 18th, while the soccer fans had gathered to take in a New England Revolution game.  The Kraft regime has since acknowledged that the orders were in direct response to the recent increases in passion and pride; another press release also pointed to the injection of fresh points of view and tifo as further reasons for government action.

In a scene straight from the Republican National Convention, a swarm of heavyset white males scared of soccer’s influence raided “The Fort” during the second half of the Revs – Fire tilt and immediately looked to remove the most passionate and “dangerous soccer fans.”  One member of elite secret police group popularly known as “Team Ops” stated that Generalissimo Kraft “knows best”, and that the operations they were carrying out on the 18th were “vital to the national interests of Kraftland.”  Once Team Ops was satisfied with the amount of fans collected up they proceeded to drive them to the concourse for processing, where one onlooker who did not want to be mentioned stated that “don’t tell my friends I am here … It’s my daughter’s league … the tickets were free!”  When pressed further for comments he had this to say, “hell they are just a bunch of pansy soccer fans … ship’em to Europe!”

However, not everyone is pleased with the Government’s orders to cull what they see as an over abundance of soccer fans.  Some asshole with an opinion and a blog had this to say about the recent culling, “It’s stupid.”  These powerful words have resonated far louder than anyone in the Kraft government could have imagined.  Soccer Biologist Ellie Sadler has been leading the calls for accountability from the Government and what she sees as “kill teams operating with no checks on their powers.”  Sadler was part of a team which published a study looking at the health of the soccer herds of New England and feels that the removal of even a small number of breeding age males coupled with an already low number of breeding females could be a death sentence to soccer in New England.  This coupled with the staggering rise of the invasive “pink hats” in New England could further push the soccer herds to the brink.

The Kraft government disputes Sadler’s findings however, and calls the report narrow in scope.  A recent press release calls the reports conclusions inaccurate, and that “The findings in the report did not look at the health of the sports fan in New England and focused solely on a stupid sport we thought we could make money on.”  Furthermore the report goes on to say that a more manageable herd of soccer fans will require less supervision and security, which in these harsh budget cutting times will pay immediate dividends.

Finally addressing concerns about the ways the soccer fans were culled, our insider with Team Ops told us that they were eager to showcase the newest captive bolt guns purchased over the winter, which “assured us that we killed them in a quick painless fashion.”  We were also assured that the meat from the culled fans will be put to good use feeding obnoxious American football fans who find themselves starved of entertainment due to an ongoing labor issue.

We at Football Fall River will continue to keep you up to date with the latest on the ecological disaster in New England as it continues to unfold …

Forca Fall River

-Paulo

Paulo Ferreira. F2R staff writer

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Ferreiras Follies 6/14

How the Revs Can Score Goals:

#Fact: The Revs Cannot Score and when Zak Boggs falls ass backwards into a goal it is not a cause for celebration.  You see, unlike angels getting wings, every time Zak scores one of my family members gets deported. The results from my super computer calculator and unbiased mental processing have helped me to come up with the perfect method for overcoming the loss of Marko and Sweet Benny Blue Eyes.

So it’s no secret everyone knows who Shalrie Joseph is, and that Steve Nicol is dumb enough to start him at the same position EVERY GAME!  The staff at Football Fall River along with me has come up with a solution so obvious that it is beyond our mental capacity to understand why Lord Steve has not used it already.  The solution can be found in the Disney film D2:The Mighty Ducks.

Every team is expecting to see Shalrie Joseph playing on the field, and most teams would even go so far to say he might be playing in the mid field.  Wow way to keep a secret Nicol, and you wonder why your at the bottom of the Eastern Conference!  So to change this up, start Joseph in net and have him wear Matt Reis’ jersey, seriously it worked in a movie so its gotta work in real life no one would expect it.

Once Joseph lines up in net, he will pretend to be Reis for say 40 minutes, and once the 41st minute begins The Bearded One could pass back to “Reis” and what’s this … Reis is coming out with the ball!  As “Reis” comes up the field his team mates would gather around him, perhaps in a formation loosely resembling the letter V.  After crossing midfield, our “Flying V” would suddenly catch any team in MLS off guard.  Yes any team even the Sounders, the team that probably will tell you they invented this play.

Once the formation gets to about say the 30 yard line, “Reis” would suddenly show himself to be Shalrie Joseph.  At this point Hans Backe or even Jose Mourinho would shout “Look the goalie is the shooter.”  Now with the formation around the 18 yard box it will give Shalrie enough time to wink at the nearest camera and adjust to windage by using Alston’s massive hairdo.

Boom … Goal .. Revs Win

As a bonus we don’t even have to hold our breath and make sure Zak Boggs didn’t eat too much fiber and shit out the horse shoe up his ass!

Long Live the Revolution, and Long Live the River, Yours forever!

-Paulo

Paulo Ferreira

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The Locker Room (Revs x Galaxy)

The Locker Room with Jim Shorts

Welcome to the Locker Room. In this article I will be breaking down the strategy the Rev’s should use against the Galaxy and also what you can expect from each Rev’s player.

Lets take a look at the top 5 Rev’s Players!

Benny Feilhaber – There is one thing everyone can expect Benny to do. And that is to look sexy as possible. The ladies love him and the guys want to be him. Benny will not dissapoint in the looks department this Saturday.

Sainey Nyassi- There are two things to look for with Nyassi. One is that he is going to run and boy he is going to run fast. The second thing is that he will run really fast down the wing and then do one step over and cut inside. Thus giving him a 50/50 shot for an attempt on goal or a cross/pass. If Nyassi decides to do a step over and continue his run down the outside he will either let the ball run out of the pitch or he will cross it to nobody.

Rajko Lekic- Expect Lekic to get mad and kick something or punch the air. They dont call him Psycho Rajko for nothing. Lekic gets angry and gets angry often. Some of you might have noticed Lekic vein on his head. That vein is actually his ANGER-OMETER it usually starts the game at a 5 out of 10. Not sure why he is so angry to start the game but we at F2R have people on the inside trying to figure that out. If Lekic does not get the ball and an attempt on goal within 10 minutes expect that anger vein to shoot all the way up to an 8. If this is the case David Beckham better watch out because the Zidane fiasco might end up being a thing of the past.

Ryan Cochrane- There are potentially three different Cochrane’s that could make an appearance on Saturday. First there is Mustache Cochrane. If MC shows up you can expect him to keep a level head, be nice and composed, and just an over all gentleman. Now if its the rebel Beard Cochrane you can expect a loss of temper, clumsy defending, and just an overall bad ass attitude. Finally the third Cochrane that could pop up on Saturday is Clean Shaven Cochrane. Now with CSC you can expect pretty much the same thing as you would from MC but just without a mustache. So keep your fingers crossed that Mustache Cochrane will be at the game.

Zak Boggs- Oh god. What can really be said about Zak Boggs. Everyone already knows what to expect from Boggs. He is going to try really hard and lose the ball 9.5 out of 10 times. Boggs seems like a deer in headlights when he gets the ball. He has no idea what to do with it and the thought of passing the ball forward is the furthest thing from his mind. If you havent noticed, the twitter hashtag #outwithboggs has come a long way. In fact Boggs even heard about it and posted a response on his personal twitter page. Perhaps this will fuel Boggs to start taking his vitamins, drinking his milk, praying every night, and practicing. However I think a Boggs 2.0 would be very similar to this waste of space we have now.

HOW THE REVS NEED TO PLAY!

There is one big thing the Rev’s cant do and that is score goals. I think if the revs played a 2-8 formation there would be goals galore and they might walk away with a win. Now you might say that a 2-8 would be stupid but think about it for a second. You have 2 defenders which is 1 more than you really need. This way if one of the defenders gets tired the other one can pick up the slack. Its a perfect defensive formation… plus you still have a goalie. That frees up 8 people to attack the opposition. You might say what about midfield? and I would say that the midfield is not important. When was the last time somebody scored a goal from midfield? Even if a goal is scored from midfield its usually because of a mistake by the goalie. So therefore the midfield is irrelevant in the game of soccer. Now back to the 8 attackers. That is an insane amount of people that not even a Jose Mourinho defensive line could contain. All i’m saying is that a 2-8 formation would most likely work and it is the most logical formation in my mind.

This has been your Locker Room RevsxGalaxy. Take what I said to the bank. Oh and my prediction for the game is 2-1 Revs.

-Jim Shorts

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San Jose’s got the Clash! (Randy’s Riders 5/22)

Zak Boggs looks on as he sees yet another ball get away from him.

What a game against the Clash…. err Earthquakes! The Rev’s put in another lackluster performance that yet again had fans questioning the coaching and front office credentials. But I say don’t blame it on the coaching staff or the front office. Its not their fault. Lets break down some key elements that caused the Rev’s to lose to the Earthquakes.

1st. It was Rapture day!

Anybody who is Anybody knows that the team who wins on Rapture day is guaranteed to not be saved and spend eternity in the fiery abyss that is hell. So be thankful the Revs did not win because the last thing any of us want is for that beautiful piece of man meat Benny Feilhaber to spend all of his days down below. Tip of the Hat to you Revs!

2nd. Zak Boggs was playing!

Anytime you see the name Zak Boggs in the starting eleven you should be ready for a loss or a tie. Now I will say this Zak tries really really hard and runs around a lot on the pitch. He might run more than everybody else on the team combined. But at the same time 95% of the time he is running around to try and get back the ball that he just lost. For those of you who don’t know the twitter hashtag #outwithboggs is trending quite a bit these days. Are you going to jump on the #outwithboggs bus anytime soon? The answer should be yes.

3rd. Beards lose games! Blame it on Cochrane!

Look at the Boston Bruins. Every year they grow play off beards and every year they lose in the playoffs. There is something really fishy going on with New England teams and Beards. When Cochrane had a stache he not only looked sophisticated, sexy, and awesome but he also won games. Along comes the beard and boom the Rev’s walk away with a loss. You could see during the game that the weight of Cochrane’s beard was causing him to lose his balance as he was playing clumsy for 90 minutes. Not only that but if you go back and watch the replays from Stache Cochrane and then Beard Cochrane you can see that he has a very different personality. Beard Cochrane is very angry at everything he is like an untamed stallion and that recklessness is not something the Rev’s need right now.

4th. Time is not a real thing in Santa Monica

We all know that Buck Shaw stadium is really nothing more than a time warp. Thus causing time to move faster than it should visa vi the extra time blunder. I spoke to a physics professor from Santa Monica University and he explained to me that because Buck Shaw stadium is in the back yard of of one of the local residents pared with the fact that it was rapture day caused time to move faster than normal. That is the reason the game ended early and brings me back to my first point… Blame it on the Rapture!

Now you can yell about the coaches and the front office all you want about how they need someone more creative. Or that they need to sign a true DP. Or that Steve Nicol doesn’t really know how to coach. Or even that the training might be to hard and that is causing players to constantly get hurt. But honestly these are all lame excuses that will get you know where. Wake up and look at the facts people. Those 4 points I have provided are the most realistic reasons as to why the Rev’s dropped an easy 3 points to the Quakes.

-Randy Bluffman

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Meet the F2R staff!

What is Football Fall River?

Football Fall River (F2R) is a site dedicated to bringing you the very best and most reliable stories about the beautiful game in New England. In total our staff has 74 years of blogging and football experience which makes us unparalleled to any other site.

Whats with the Name?

As most of you may know Fall River is not only the birthplace to soccer in New England but also the entire USA. Because of this it was a no brainer to name the site Football Fall River!

Who is Football Fall River?

To become a writer for F2R you must face a strict exam. All of our staff are top class in their respective fields and have a vast knowledge of the sport. Time now to meet the staff!

Randy Bluffman: Randy was born in Framingham Massachusetts and has been involved in soccer ever since he came out of his mothers womb. At the age of 14 Randy moved to England to train with his beloved club Millwall only to tear his achilles and never to be able to play the beautiful game again. Since then Randy has been a scout for the Barbados mens national team and an avid supporter of the New England Revolution. Randy is a valuable asset to the F2R staff and his inside sources make him the most reliable writer to New England football.

Paulo Ferreira: Paulo is a Portuguese footballer. Paulo started his career in the second division in Portugal but it was not until he moved to Porto that he became a household name. Paulo has since been playing for Chelsea FC in the Barclays Premiere league. Due to his lack of playing time in the recent years Paulo has had a lot of time to spare allowing F2R to snap him up as a freelance writer for the site. For those of you who do not know Paulo, he has won the Europa League, Champions League, Portuguese League, Barclays Premiere League, and the FA cup as well as many other championships. As you can see Paulo is a very valuable asset to the F2R site and we are confident he will win over his readers like he did the fans at Chelsea.

Jim Shorts: No Jim is not fake. He was born October 1982 in Pawtucket RI. Jim got his degree in athletic training from the Community College of Rhode Island before spending 26 years in the Central Falls school system. Due to the harsh economy Jim was recently laid off as the soccer coach for CF High which allowed F2R the great opportunity to snap up Jim as a writer. Jim has been a supporter of the Revolution since the beginning in 1996 and you can see him every home game sitting with the Midnight Riders in section 143.

F2R will be adding more writers in the upcoming weeks so make sure to check back regularly!

Football Fall River is always looking to add the best writers possible. If you think you can fill that requirement feel free to email us at footballfallriver@yahoo.com We will screen you to make sure you are real and are competent to write for F2R! 

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