French, Serbians, and Belarusians? New Serbgate information!
So once again I come to my computer machine today to check on the amazing world of New England soccer when I saw that I had an interesting email from Football Fall River’s European correspondent. Friends, while the Front Office of the Revolution have been busy destroying its fan base our site has continued to dig into the loss of our Serbs and the forces which drove them from town. Shockingly the French are involved, more specifically it’s the two Frenchies from our Revolution who are indirectly responsible for the departure of the Marko and Stoli.
Our contacts in Europe have been trailing MLS teams and their exploits all over the subcontinent, and recently we made contact with a delegation from the Revolution in Minsk, Belarus. Our contacts reported back to us that Mike Burns and Steve Nicol have travelled to Minsk with the intent of finalizing a contract offer with a top Belarusian player who has been rumored to be the Revolution’s first Designated Player signing. This sounds great right now but move forward two weeks and the landscape of New England has changed dramatically.
From all the facts floating around the blogosphere, it appears that Marko Perovic had asked to be released from his contract. Ah but a closer look will reveal that Perovic has horrible English, and a bitterness towards the Revolution. It appears to my trained eyes that this was not a mutual split (From my experiences the mutual breakup never works). As clueless a front office the Revolution have they wouldn’t just dump a potent attacking option would they? It appears that the move to not offer or negotiate a contract with Marko and Stoli comes from a directive to save money for another purchase. Now we finally know what’s coming right? This is the DP announcement that Revs fans have been waiting for.
But, back in Minsk the story continues and takes a shocking turn, when the Revolution delegation went out for a couple of drinks in their hotel’s bar. My sources have also reported in that there was another group converging at the Orbita Hotel; Star Wars fan fiction writers. Once again our colleague in Minsk informed us that the Orbita was holding the largest gathering of Star Wars fan fiction writers in all of Eastern Europe. What many people may not know is that members of the Revolution’s front office are massive fans of the George Lucas movies.
How does this involve our traveling Revolution staff you might ask? Well from sources close to the convention Michael Stackpole the author of The Bacta War from the X Wing series of books was the guest speaker at the convention and a patron at the hotel’s bar, when he struck up a conversation with the Revs traveling party. Stackpole was discussing the plot of the aforementioned book when it became awkwardly apparent to him the New England coach Steve Nicol thought that Bacta was real. At this time Stackpole then moved on from the conversation, and Nicol began speaking with the bartender at the Orbita.
After further digging and interviews by our European based staff it appears that the following shocking events occurred over the next 48 hours:
On Friday night after speaking with Stackpole, Nicol continued his conversation with the Orbita bartender. During this conversation Nicol lamented that he wished he could use Bacta treatments for his two injury prone Frenchmen.
The bartender at the Orbita convinced Nicol that Bacta was real and that he had a spare Bacta tank from the Rebel base at Hoth, which he purchased at an Army Navy surplus store.
On the following Saturday Nicol, Burns, and the bartender from the Orbita met and Nicol proceeded to purchase the Bacta tank with Robert Kraft’s $350,000 money order for the DP signing.
Once back stateside, an unnamed medical supply technician with extensive Star Wars knowledge informed Nicol that Bacta was not real and that what he had bought was a Soviet era tanning bed.
Finally last Wednesday prior to the Fortgate meeting the Revolution front office was unable to contact the seller and it became apparent that the team had been scammed.
Thursday in an attempt to control costs, Serbgate occurs and the dynamic duo is released from the team.
Once light was shed on these events it became clear why the Serbs were released and that Revolution fans are right to be skeptical that they will be getting a DP this summer. When I tried to reach Nicol for comment, I was told that he would be unavailable for comment on the team’s recent purchase. However Mike Burns was able to speak with us and when asked about what to expect from the purchase of the “bacta tank” he said “A bitch’n base tan for my cruise in October, and the number one draft pick this off season.”
So I join you and loudly proclaim LETS PLAY FOR THAT DRAFT PICK!
Respectfully yours in Football