So obviously the Rev’s are in really dire times. The team can’t find a win, the Serbs are gone, everyone is injured, the FO hates the fans, and there is no sight of anything changing. But even though the Rev’s are about to play one of the best teams in the MLS today and a team who beat us with their B team only a few short months ago, there are still some ways the Rev’s can pull out a win. So now I will break down the top 4 things to expect in this Independence Day Slobberknocker.
1. There will be goals- It’s the most patriotic day in the USA and there is no team in the MLS more patriotic than the New England Revolution! It would be unamerican for Real Salt Lake to beat the Rev’s. If they do its because they are all communists which means they should be kicked out of the MLS and each player should be banned from playing soccer and deported from the USA. Real know that they cant be the Rev’s today for those reasons. Because of this there will be many many goals. Expect the Rev’s to win 1776-0 all goals to be scored by Team America (A.J. Soares and Ryan Cochrane) and Rhode scholar Zak Boggs!
2. Good looks- Benny although just returning from a lengthy injury, still looks as sexy as ever and with the most attractive person from Salt Lake being Nick Rimando. It is safe to say that the Rev’s will by far have the most attractive team on the field which means at the end of the game RSL’s female population will be trying to court the Revs and to Real. The Rev’s might not take the win but they will take Real’s female Mormon population’s virginity. Point for the Rev’s!
3. Stadium woes- Real have a SSS and the Rev’s do not which means the Rev’s are jealous and therefor furious. With anger and jealousy come goals goals goals. Fully expect the Rev’s to score those 1776 goals. In fact I would probably bet money on that.
4. Kicked out- According to the Rev’s FO teams all around the league are cracking down on the “You Suck Asshole” chant. No team is more rebellious and ill languaged than the Mormons of Salt Lake. Expect Real’s FO to come down to their supporters section around the 60th minute and arrest everyone in their groups to send a message to everyone that they will not take that sort of disrespect. I mean it cant just be the Rev’s FO that cares about that chant… right? I mean they are pretty much the worst team in the league with one of the worst attendance records.
Tactics– Finally expect the Rev’s to play a 1-10 formation. Darius Barnes will be the lone defender while everyone else will play in the opposing third. All forwards means all goals, Rev’s win 1776-0. The fireworks, women, points, and glory go to the Rev’s. That is something you can count on.
Independence Day is Ours!