An Examination of the Culling of the Soccer Herd at Gillette Stadium on June 18th 2011:
Today at Football Fall River we examine the recent orders from Generalissimo Kraft, which called for the culling of the soccer herds located at Gillette Stadium in the region known as “The Fort.” Kraft’s orders were successfully carried out on June 18th, while the soccer fans had gathered to take in a New England Revolution game. The Kraft regime has since acknowledged that the orders were in direct response to the recent increases in passion and pride; another press release also pointed to the injection of fresh points of view and tifo as further reasons for government action.
In a scene straight from the Republican National Convention, a swarm of heavyset white males scared of soccer’s influence raided “The Fort” during the second half of the Revs – Fire tilt and immediately looked to remove the most passionate and “dangerous soccer fans.” One member of elite secret police group popularly known as “Team Ops” stated that Generalissimo Kraft “knows best”, and that the operations they were carrying out on the 18th were “vital to the national interests of Kraftland.” Once Team Ops was satisfied with the amount of fans collected up they proceeded to drive them to the concourse for processing, where one onlooker who did not want to be mentioned stated that “don’t tell my friends I am here … It’s my daughter’s league … the tickets were free!” When pressed further for comments he had this to say, “hell they are just a bunch of pansy soccer fans … ship’em to Europe!”
However, not everyone is pleased with the Government’s orders to cull what they see as an over abundance of soccer fans. Some asshole with an opinion and a blog had this to say about the recent culling, “It’s stupid.” These powerful words have resonated far louder than anyone in the Kraft government could have imagined. Soccer Biologist Ellie Sadler has been leading the calls for accountability from the Government and what she sees as “kill teams operating with no checks on their powers.” Sadler was part of a team which published a study looking at the health of the soccer herds of New England and feels that the removal of even a small number of breeding age males coupled with an already low number of breeding females could be a death sentence to soccer in New England. This coupled with the staggering rise of the invasive “pink hats” in New England could further push the soccer herds to the brink.
The Kraft government disputes Sadler’s findings however, and calls the report narrow in scope. A recent press release calls the reports conclusions inaccurate, and that “The findings in the report did not look at the health of the sports fan in New England and focused solely on a stupid sport we thought we could make money on.” Furthermore the report goes on to say that a more manageable herd of soccer fans will require less supervision and security, which in these harsh budget cutting times will pay immediate dividends.
Finally addressing concerns about the ways the soccer fans were culled, our insider with Team Ops told us that they were eager to showcase the newest captive bolt guns purchased over the winter, which “assured us that we killed them in a quick painless fashion.” We were also assured that the meat from the culled fans will be put to good use feeding obnoxious American football fans who find themselves starved of entertainment due to an ongoing labor issue.
We at Football Fall River will continue to keep you up to date with the latest on the ecological disaster in New England as it continues to unfold …
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