How the Revs Can Score Goals:
#Fact: The Revs Cannot Score and when Zak Boggs falls ass backwards into a goal it is not a cause for celebration. You see, unlike angels getting wings, every time Zak scores one of my family members gets deported. The results from my super computer calculator and unbiased mental processing have helped me to come up with the perfect method for overcoming the loss of Marko and Sweet Benny Blue Eyes.
So it’s no secret everyone knows who Shalrie Joseph is, and that Steve Nicol is dumb enough to start him at the same position EVERY GAME! The staff at Football Fall River along with me has come up with a solution so obvious that it is beyond our mental capacity to understand why Lord Steve has not used it already. The solution can be found in the Disney film D2:The Mighty Ducks.
Every team is expecting to see Shalrie Joseph playing on the field, and most teams would even go so far to say he might be playing in the mid field. Wow way to keep a secret Nicol, and you wonder why your at the bottom of the Eastern Conference! So to change this up, start Joseph in net and have him wear Matt Reis’ jersey, seriously it worked in a movie so its gotta work in real life no one would expect it.
Once Joseph lines up in net, he will pretend to be Reis for say 40 minutes, and once the 41st minute begins The Bearded One could pass back to “Reis” and what’s this … Reis is coming out with the ball! As “Reis” comes up the field his team mates would gather around him, perhaps in a formation loosely resembling the letter V. After crossing midfield, our “Flying V” would suddenly catch any team in MLS off guard. Yes any team even the Sounders, the team that probably will tell you they invented this play.
Once the formation gets to about say the 30 yard line, “Reis” would suddenly show himself to be Shalrie Joseph. At this point Hans Backe or even Jose Mourinho would shout “Look the goalie is the shooter.” Now with the formation around the 18 yard box it will give Shalrie enough time to wink at the nearest camera and adjust to windage by using Alston’s massive hairdo.
Boom … Goal .. Revs Win
As a bonus we don’t even have to hold our breath and make sure Zak Boggs didn’t eat too much fiber and shit out the horse shoe up his ass!
Long Live the Revolution, and Long Live the River, Yours forever!