San Jose’s got the Clash! (Randy’s Riders 5/22)

Zak Boggs looks on as he sees yet another ball get away from him.

What a game against the Clash…. err Earthquakes! The Rev’s put in another lackluster performance that yet again had fans questioning the coaching and front office credentials. But I say don’t blame it on the coaching staff or the front office. Its not their fault. Lets break down some key elements that caused the Rev’s to lose to the Earthquakes.

1st. It was Rapture day!

Anybody who is Anybody knows that the team who wins on Rapture day is guaranteed to not be saved and spend eternity in the fiery abyss that is hell. So be thankful the Revs did not win because the last thing any of us want is for that beautiful piece of man meat Benny Feilhaber to spend all of his days down below. Tip of the Hat to you Revs!

2nd. Zak Boggs was playing!

Anytime you see the name Zak Boggs in the starting eleven you should be ready for a loss or a tie. Now I will say this Zak tries really really hard and runs around a lot on the pitch. He might run more than everybody else on the team combined. But at the same time 95% of the time he is running around to try and get back the ball that he just lost. For those of you who don’t know the twitter hashtag #outwithboggs is trending quite a bit these days. Are you going to jump on the #outwithboggs bus anytime soon? The answer should be yes.

3rd. Beards lose games! Blame it on Cochrane!

Look at the Boston Bruins. Every year they grow play off beards and every year they lose in the playoffs. There is something really fishy going on with New England teams and Beards. When Cochrane had a stache he not only looked sophisticated, sexy, and awesome but he also won games. Along comes the beard and boom the Rev’s walk away with a loss. You could see during the game that the weight of Cochrane’s beard was causing him to lose his balance as he was playing clumsy for 90 minutes. Not only that but if you go back and watch the replays from Stache Cochrane and then Beard Cochrane you can see that he has a very different personality. Beard Cochrane is very angry at everything he is like an untamed stallion and that recklessness is not something the Rev’s need right now.

4th. Time is not a real thing in Santa Monica

We all know that Buck Shaw stadium is really nothing more than a time warp. Thus causing time to move faster than it should visa vi the extra time blunder. I spoke to a physics professor from Santa Monica University and he explained to me that because Buck Shaw stadium is in the back yard of of one of the local residents pared with the fact that it was rapture day caused time to move faster than normal. That is the reason the game ended early and brings me back to my first point… Blame it on the Rapture!

Now you can yell about the coaches and the front office all you want about how they need someone more creative. Or that they need to sign a true DP. Or that Steve Nicol doesn’t really know how to coach. Or even that the training might be to hard and that is causing players to constantly get hurt. But honestly these are all lame excuses that will get you know where. Wake up and look at the facts people. Those 4 points I have provided are the most realistic reasons as to why the Rev’s dropped an easy 3 points to the Quakes.

-Randy Bluffman

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