Transfer Facts 7/17


IN

Kenny Cooper- We talked to head coach Steve Nicol, Mike Burns, and Revs COO Brian Biello. They all told us the same thing. “Well he isnt really someone we are looking at. He is a complete forward which is not something we need right now. We are looking for someone 6’8” or taller who can really be utilized in the box. Unfortunately we found out that Andre the Giant died a while back so this has taken some time. As for Kenny we would like to wish him the best be he will not be seen in a Revs shirt because he is to well rounded.”

Katimbe (Kat) Epat- Kat has been playing his trade in the Malawi 4th division. He is a 24 year old forward who we are told is “wicked” fast. After some research we have found that Kat has scored an earth shattering 3 goals in 57 games, which in a league with out goals is the highest ever recorded. Kat is available for 5 dollars or 1 cow. We have it on good word that Kat will be playing for the Revs by the end of the transfer window.

Emmanuel Osei– With the Revs releasing Domi they are looking to pick up a veteran defender with experience in the MLS. We were told directly from Steve Nicol “He is exactly what we need, he wasnt what we needed last year but this year he is exactly what we need”

_______________________________________________

Out

Zak Boggs- Zak has recently been touted as going to Man Utd and while United were playing the Revs at Gillette the interest only got higher. Its no shock that a workhorse player like Zak Boggs would be wanted by 5star teams. While United were playing the Revs, Zak single handily saved 2 goals. In an game that ended 4-1 it could have been an embarrassing 6-1 if it weren’t for Zak.  Zak’s asking price is thought to be around anything from 40-60million dollars. Although we are told that the Revs would part for anything above 50ok.

That is the latest transfer news as of July 17th 2011.

-Zachary Cloggs

Zachary Cloggs

 

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What it takes to beat a Union

The Locker Room with Jim Shorts

Sure if this was just your typical workers union it would be easy to just rise up and overthrow it. However this is the Philly Union, a soccer team that is currently doing extremely well… much better than the Rev’s could even dream about. But just because the Union are doing well it doesnt mean they are unbeatable. And today the Rev’s will beat the Union. But it wont be because the Rev’s are the superior team. Here’s the breakdown

A Revs loss means money has to be spent.

The wonderful COO for the revs promised 2 signings during this transfer window. However the outcome of the game today against the Union will determine the quality of players that will be brought in. The FO and Kraft want the team to win today because it means that they can sign players of Zak Boggs quality rather than signing more Feilhabers if the team lose.

With a win fans become less restless and begin to forget all that has happened. This is what the Krafts and the FO want. Lets face it spending money on real players will never happen. And they have also proved that getting good players cheep (Marko Perovic) is also something they do not want. I could go on for hours about this subject but I will keep it simple. Basically Kraft and the FO have paid off the Union to allow the Rev’s to win to keep their fans happy. Philly is pretty much guaranteed a playoff spot unless they fall apart during the second part of the season. We at F2R have it solid that the Union will be using the money for more statues of Rocky Balboa to place around the city.

The game today will end 1-0 Revs on a late dramatic winner from most likely Zak Boggs. Thus allowing the Rev’s to snap up low budget players for the bench and reserve team.

Supporters Group Protest

For those of you who do not know by now there is a protest brewing for the game tonight. Supporters plan to show their discontent with the ownership, FO, and Team Ops. I wont give anything away but I can tell you this. We talked to the COO of the Rev’s who told us “It doesn’t matter what they have planned, we already know for god sakes they created a facebook even its not like it was private. We plan on kicking them all out and having them arrested before they get to their seats.” Although the game is only being shown on CSN Kraft and the FO will not allow anyone to rebel against them and if they do they plan on making an example out of those people.

I went on to ask the COO why if they are trying to market to 18-35 year olds are they kicking them out and making them feel unwelcome. The response I got was “We are marketing towards 18-35 year olds. Right now however they are only 12 years old. We figure instead of marketing to actual 18-35 year olds we would get them when they are younger. It’s something that we started in 96 and so far it is working well so why change it?”

Revs x Union Wrap Up!

All in all you can expect the Revs to snatch a win and for there to be more arrests and season tickets revoked during the match tonight.

-Jim Shorts

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Who needs left backs? Not the Revs!

Change We Can Believe In

So as I am sure many of our wicked smart readers might already know, the New England Revolution have announced yesterday that they have released Didier Domi from his contract.  The French left back was brought to New England in January of this year and while healthy he has been an admirable contributor to the New England back line.  However, in what might be one of the most controversial moves since Serbgate, the Revs now no longer have any natural left backs.

The move has raised a lot of New England fans eyebrows, but after a chance to speak with coach Nicol this writer’s fears were laid to rest.  Coach Nicol told me that the release of all the team’s left backs has been planned for a long time, and that the resources “wasted” on the left side of the field could be better used to reinforce the right flank.  He told me that a radical change in the on field formations would “confuse” MLS teams for “a couple or three weeks.”  When I pressed the coach if this was related to the oft rumored Designated Player, he told me “Probably not, it just gives a distraction to the fans while we sign a couple of young West Africans.”

Coach Nicol was able to give me some insights into the potential line up for this weekends tilt against Philadelphia, and what a ground breaking lineup this will be.  Nicol explained to me that in the much maligned 4-5-1 seen this year was simply created “because everyone does the 4-4-2”, but with that being said you can expect to see the modified 4-5-1 this Sunday.  Coach Nicol has his backline already laid out, and will feature Soares and Coria in central defense, with Alston and Barnes both featuring as right backs.  The left flank retreat is also evident in the new look Revs midfield, which will feature four central midfielders, and Nyassi making his devastating runs from the right flank.  Finally, fan favorite Psycho Rajko will be featured in the lone striker role.

I also had a chance to speak with Pitor Nowak, from fierce divisional foe the Philadelphia Union.  I asked him if he would like to comment on the revolutionary Revolution lineup.  “I just don’t know what I would …” he stated before breaking in to laughs.  He later explained that the Revolution are not the first team to feature this lineup, and that he saw this strategy employed in the Chester Indoor Soccer League’s second division side Bill’s Bar.  When pressed about the results he summed it up in three words “NOT GOOD … DOOP!”  At this time Mr. Nowak proceeded to abruptly leave the interview.

Finally, back in New England as the dust begins to settle on Frenchgate, we here at Football Fall River find that once again we are always right and that I…, I BELIEVE…, I BELIEVE THAT WE…, I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL GET THAT FIRST DRAFT PICK!

Forever yours in football … truly, … madly, … deeply,

Paulo

Paulo Ferreira. F2R staff writer

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French, Serbians, and Belarusians? Oh My! (Ferreiras Follies 7/6)

 French, Serbians, and Belarusians? New Serbgate information!

So once again I come to my computer machine today to check on the amazing world of New England soccer when I saw that I had an interesting email from Football Fall River’s European correspondent.  Friends, while the Front Office of the Revolution have been busy destroying its fan base our site has continued to dig into the loss of our Serbs and the forces which drove them from town.  Shockingly the French are involved, more specifically it’s the two Frenchies from our Revolution who are indirectly responsible for the departure of the Marko and Stoli.

Our contacts in Europe have been trailing MLS teams and their exploits all over the subcontinent, and recently we made contact with a delegation from the Revolution in Minsk, Belarus.  Our contacts reported back to us that Mike Burns and Steve Nicol have travelled to Minsk with the intent of finalizing a contract offer with a top Belarusian player who has been rumored to be the Revolution’s first Designated Player signing.  This sounds great right now but move forward two weeks and the landscape of New England has changed dramatically.

From all the facts floating around the blogosphere, it appears that Marko Perovic had asked to be released from his contract.  Ah but a closer look will reveal that Perovic has horrible English, and a bitterness towards the Revolution.  It appears to my trained eyes that this was not a mutual split (From my experiences the mutual breakup never works).  As clueless a front office the Revolution have they wouldn’t just dump a potent attacking option would they?  It appears that the move to not offer or negotiate a contract with Marko and Stoli comes from a directive to save money for another purchase.  Now we finally know what’s coming right? This is the DP announcement that Revs fans have been waiting for.

But, back in Minsk the story continues and takes a shocking turn, when the Revolution delegation went out for a couple of drinks in their hotel’s bar.  My sources have also reported in that there was another group converging at the Orbita Hotel; Star Wars fan fiction writers.  Once again our colleague in Minsk informed us that the Orbita was holding the largest gathering of Star Wars fan fiction writers in all of Eastern Europe.  What many people may not know is that members of the Revolution’s front office are massive fans of the George Lucas movies.

How does this involve our traveling Revolution staff you might ask?  Well from sources close to the convention Michael Stackpole the author of The Bacta War from the X Wing series of books was the guest speaker at the convention and a patron at the hotel’s bar, when he struck up a conversation with the Revs traveling party.  Stackpole was discussing the plot of the aforementioned book when it became awkwardly apparent to him the New England coach Steve Nicol thought that Bacta was real.  At this time Stackpole then moved on from the conversation, and Nicol began speaking with the bartender at the Orbita.

After further digging and interviews by our European based staff it appears that the following shocking events occurred over the next 48 hours:
On Friday night after speaking with Stackpole, Nicol continued his conversation with the Orbita bartender.  During this conversation Nicol lamented that he wished he could use Bacta treatments for his two injury prone Frenchmen.
The bartender at the Orbita convinced Nicol that Bacta was real and that he had a spare Bacta tank from the Rebel base at Hoth, which he purchased at an Army Navy surplus store.
On the following Saturday Nicol, Burns, and the bartender from the Orbita met and Nicol proceeded to purchase the Bacta tank with Robert Kraft’s $350,000 money order for the DP signing.
Once back stateside, an unnamed medical supply technician with extensive Star Wars knowledge informed Nicol that Bacta was not real and that what he had bought was a Soviet era tanning bed.
Finally last Wednesday prior to the Fortgate meeting the Revolution front office was unable to contact the seller and it became apparent that the team had been scammed.
Thursday in an attempt to control costs, Serbgate occurs and the dynamic duo is released from the team.

Once light was shed on these events it became clear why the Serbs were released and that Revolution fans are right to be skeptical that they will be getting a DP this summer.  When I tried to reach Nicol for comment, I was told that he would be unavailable for comment on the team’s recent purchase.  However Mike Burns was able to speak with us and when asked about what to expect from the purchase of the “bacta tank” he said “A bitch’n base tan for my cruise in October, and the number one draft pick this off season.”

So I join you and loudly proclaim LETS PLAY FOR THAT DRAFT PICK!

Respectfully yours in Football

Paulo

Paulo Ferreira. F2R staff writer

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Communism takes a point on Independence Day (Randy’s Riders 7/5)

The rev’s ended up taking an early two goal lead on independence day only to watch it all slip away and tie the game 3-3. I did say the Rev’s were going to take the game 1776-0 but failed to realize some key things that led to yet another tie. So here are the reasons why New England failed to win yet another game .

Communism- If you read my previous post you know that i said if Real managed to take points away from this game it means they are just a communist team. Turns out the group led by Kyle Beckerman contains the most un american and un patriotic men in the USA. Because of this I ask everyone who lives in this great country to join us in signing a petition to get their players kicked out of the USA.

Karl Marx?

You can sign the petition here http://www.petitiononline.com/07042011/petition.html

Front Office Shenanigans- The Fans know the Rev’s FO hates them and now its trickled down to the players. The Rev’s players could hear “you suck asshole” chants coming from the RSL supporters. This made the players really feel for their own supporters and they wanted to back their own fans by tieing the game to prove a point to the FO that if the RSL supporters can chant obscenities and Rev’s fans cant then they will refuse to win.

Casey Anthony Trial- We at F2R have it on good notice that the Rev’s players found out that Casey Anthony was not guilty at half time of the RSL game. Yes this is an entire day early but because the Rev’s players are such huge superstars they were let in on the decision early. This obviously caused friction between the players with some believing the jury was completely wrong in their decision to find Casey not guilty. While others believed that the duck tape didn’t fit and therefore there was no way she could be guilty.

Silver lining- There is still obviously good news despite all of this. First we got to see more than just one goal scored by the Rev’s which means two things. 1st the team is getting to find its scoring niche again and 2 because of this they will not sign a DP this transfer window. Second a new hash tag was born #leaveboggsoutkeepwinsin It’s pretty genius considering the Rev’s were winning until Zak Boggs yet again blew the game. Finally we learned that the Rev’s can play a decent game when up by one man. Which means the Rev’s need to find a way to get a player from the opposing team kicked out at the beginning of each match.

Things to look forward to- The Rev’s are getting their act together which means they will have the most amazing tieing record by the end of the season. Lekic is getting less upset with each goal which hopefully means he will begin to score these “wonder goals” that are floating around youtube. Finally Benny is looking prettier with each passing day. For the Rev’s this means a prettier face will lead to prettier passes and assists for goals. It also means more jerseys sold to young women from 13-24.

I may have gotten my goal prediction wrong but that was only because RSL are an anti american team. You can guarantee the Rev’s will look to destroy their next opponent to prove a statement.

Yours Truly,

Randy Bluffman

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Independence Day is Ours! (Randy’s Riders 7/4)

Independence Day belongs to the Rev's

So obviously the Rev’s are in really dire times. The team can’t find a win, the Serbs are gone, everyone is injured, the FO hates the fans, and there is no sight of anything changing. But even though the Rev’s are about to play one of the best teams in the MLS today and a team who beat us with their B team only a few short months ago, there are still some ways the Rev’s can pull out a win. So now I will break down the top 4 things to expect in this Independence Day Slobberknocker.

1. There will be goals- It’s the most patriotic day in the USA and there is no team in the MLS more patriotic than the New England Revolution! It would be unamerican for Real Salt Lake to beat the Rev’s. If they do its because they are all communists which means they should be kicked out of the MLS and each player should be banned from playing soccer and deported from the USA. Real know that they cant be the Rev’s today for those reasons. Because of this there will be many many goals. Expect the Rev’s to win 1776-0 all goals to be scored by Team America (A.J. Soares and Ryan Cochrane) and Rhode scholar Zak Boggs!

2. Good looks- Benny although just returning from a lengthy injury, still looks as sexy as ever and with the most attractive person from Salt Lake being Nick Rimando. It is safe to say that the Rev’s will by far have the most attractive team on the field which means at the end of the game RSL’s female population will be trying to court the Revs and to Real. The Rev’s might not take the win but they will take Real’s female Mormon population’s virginity. Point for the Rev’s!

3. Stadium woes- Real have a SSS and the Rev’s do not which means the Rev’s are jealous and therefor furious. With anger and jealousy come goals goals goals. Fully expect the Rev’s to score those 1776 goals. In fact I would probably bet money on that.

4. Kicked out- According to the Rev’s FO teams all around the league are cracking down on the “You Suck Asshole” chant. No team is more rebellious and ill languaged than the Mormons of Salt Lake. Expect Real’s FO to come down to their supporters section around the 60th minute and arrest everyone in their groups to send a message to everyone that they will not take that sort of disrespect. I mean it cant just be the Rev’s FO that cares about that chant… right? I mean they are pretty much the worst team in the league with one of the worst attendance records.

Tactics– Finally expect the Rev’s to play a 1-10 formation. Darius Barnes will be the lone defender while everyone else will play in the opposing third. All forwards means all goals, Rev’s win 1776-0. The fireworks, women, points, and glory go to the Rev’s. That is something you can count on.

Independence Day is Ours!

-Randy Bluffman

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Transfer Facts 7/1

New England Revolution Monthly Transfer Facts:

By Zachary Cloggs

It’s always a nerve-racking moment in somebodies career when they’re asked to write for such a respected and often read journalistic organization such as Football Fall River.  Would I be able to present factual and topical information at a level expected by the readers? Would I provide them with worthy information?  These are just a few of the questions daunting me into my first foray here.  So to lighten the mood, I figured I would start by telling you the viewer, a little about myself to lighten the mood, at least from my end.  My hobbies include jumping long lengths, through ropes, under ropes, over ropes.  Anything involving ropes.  I practice Tai-kown-chi.  A little known mixture of karate, tae-kwon-do, and Tae Bo (created by the great one, Billy Banks).  By far, the most consuming hobby I have is the collection of pebbles.   My fans would be proud to know that I am a 10 time National Pebble collecting champion.  And so, getting all of this out of the way, I feel compelled to give my New England Revolution Transfer Facts of the Month:

Transfers In:

Cesc Fabregas

My surprising first transfer fact this month undoubtedly starts with Cesc and a bang.  Few may see this coming, and with the posturing put forward by Barcelona reportedly interested, as well as Fabregas himself claiming a return to Barcelona in the near future, I believe few expected the Revolution to get ahead in this deal.  The reports out of the Revolution camp, coming as high up as Mr. Kraft himself, have always reiterated the clubs desire to fill in the Designated Player slot that the Revolution have held onto for years.  Tired of the Patriots and Bill Belichick not winning any Super Bowls in half a decade, Bob Kraft has finally found fit to invest heavily in the Revolution, and add some more creativity to the midfield.  When asked for a quote, Revolution Director of Communication simply stated, “Communication is key here at the Revs organization.  We communicated our interest in Fabregas (pronounced Fab-gas by the quoted) to the player himself and are waiting for a response.”

Something Benny “blue eyes” Feilhaber must certainly be excited to be hearing.

Dwayne De Rosario

In a surprising twist, we see De Rosario traded to the Revolution only 4 days after a trade to D.C. United! When asked to comment on the trade, De Rosario quoted us this wonderful gem:

“My goal here at the Revolution is to simply provide an attacking force for the team.  I also expect to become the highest paid player for the organization, paid commensurately to the future wages of Fabregas and Beckham.  I feel my track record; both in the M.L.S. and with the Canadian National Team speak for itself.  When the Revolution organization is willing to rework my contract, we can get things going here”

Good luck Rosario!  We know you’ll make the organization proud.

Transfers Out:

Zak Boggs

This magnificent young man has been rumored to leave the New England Revolution ever since the opening of the European transfer market.  Widely recognized as the hardest working, the biggest hustler (he tries harder than all other 21 players on the field, combined), and most consistent performer on the New England Revolution roster, it’s no surprise to us here at Football Fall River that Zak Boggs is being linked with a future transfer to Manchester United.

With reports that Sir Alex Ferguson may be looking to ship off the rumored to be unhappy Nani after the summer arrival of Ashley Young, reports suggest that Sir Alex is looking to bring in a young attacking winger/forward to compete with Ashley Young for the upcoming season.

When asked for a quote from the inside office at the New England Revolution concerning these latest rumors, we were met with this quote by the Communications Director for the organization:

“Communication is truly key.  As long as we keep communication our priority and just communicate we’ll have good communication to take this club further with our new signings.  Communication between Mr. Kraft and I, and just as long as we get communication, you know, three key lines of communication between Mr. Kraft, communication with myself, and we need to communicate with Mr. Nichols, we’ll keep communication the key here at the Revolution”

You can take that for what it’s worth ladies and gentlemen, but it may be that fan favorite Zak Boggs could be moving onto greener pastures in the near future.

Taylor Twellman

In what is a surprise move to everybody, but me, the Revolution organization has decided to discard Taylor Twellman and his hefty contract (in what is being regarded as a poor attempt by the organization to re-up on Zak Boggs’ contract in hopes this attacking dynamo decides to stay in the New England area).  With only 10 goals in seasons 2008-present, it appears the Revolution are looking towards greener pastures, and more notably, players without concussion and other assorted injury issues.  When asked to comment, Taylor Twellman gave us this wonderful quote, “ “.  Well, I’m sure he would have given us a quote if he weren’t busy promoting himself at a Celtics pre-season game.  It’s surely an unfortunate loss for the Revolution.  Never before has this organization had a striker with the deadly capacity to knock in 1/10 balls, and who’s to say we’ll ever see one again. (not named Boggs)

Stay tuned in for the next New England Revolution Transfer Facts.  This is Zachary Cloggs, until next time, and in the meantime, I’ll be collecting pebbles for my unprecedented 11 time national championship.  But regardless, I’ll always hustle it out for you, my new friends.

-Zachary Cloggs

Zachary Cloggs

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